Dont Lie to Her! - A Survive Guide for Cheating Husbands (Survive Guides Book 1)
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On the other hand, you may be thinking that what you did is okay — that there is nothing to fix! You justify what you have done and you are callus to the pain you have caused your husband, wife, or partner who trusted you! As well, you delude yourself thinking this is between you and your partner, the kids will be fine — this is a self-serving lie you tell yourself and others. If this is how you think, it is questionable if continuing to read this article will be of use.
However, if you know what you did is wrong and you feel shame, remorse, guilt — and you want to know what you can do to fix the damage you have caused, t he answer is that your first task is to be calm, patient, and show compassion for your injured partner.
Your betrayed partner will express to you rapidly changing, contradictory, and extreme emotions. To the best of your ability do not react in a hostile or rejecting way. Be calm, reassuring, and be honest.
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Reality check: There is no hope for your marriage or the healthy functioning of your family if you do not completely end your relationship with the outside person. It makes no difference how attached you may or may not be to him or her. If you want a healthy and functioning family, your loyalty must be with your legitimate partner — he or she alone.
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You may have a strong attachment to your outside lover. We are all capable of loving more than one person— just like we can easily love more than one child, so too, we can love more than one adult. The problem with infidelity is getting into a situation where it is possible to illegitimately fall in love with someone and thus you betray the trust of your legitimate partner. You should never have gotten involved with the outside person in the first place You will 'hate' the outside person, but your partner won't.
Don't expect your partner to feel like you.
Expect your partner to end the relationship and sever all ties to the illegitimate person, but realize that your cheating partner is feeling confusion and grieving over the loss of an important person in his or her life. This is another one of the destructive sides of infidelity. Infidelity hurts everyone exposed to it. If you try to juggle both relationships — your legitimate one and your illegitimate one — you will fail miserably at both. This is true, not because I am saying so, or because it is a moral failing or anything like that.
Rather, your family will fail because of how human nature demands relationship exclusivity. Your relationship with your spouse and children is doomed to fail if you don't accept and act on this universal and obvious fact of life. Because the person who strayed is trying to comfort his or her spouse or partner while feeling a loss for the relationship with the outside person at the same time, dealing with the aftermath of infidelity is complicated.
As the partner who cheated, after the work on recovering and rebuilding your relationship has been achieved, only then can you ask for forgiveness. It may or may not be granted, and you have no right to judge your partner regardless of what his or her responses are to your request for forgiveness. You can always ask again at a later time. Part of forgiveness is a feeling of the heart, and we only have limited control regarding how we feel. Even so, there are things you can do to increase the likelihood and opportunities for forgiveness.
Namely, taking a proactive and systematic approach to recovering from infidelity. If you intend to make things right with your legitimate partner, the first thing you need to do is take responsibility for what you have done.
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You have to acknowledge that the affair was YOUR fault. You have to believe this in your heart, and you have to communicate to this to your partner. This may be hard to do, as your cheating was probably justified in your mind by focusing on the inadequacies of your legitimate partner. There may or may not be truth to this!
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However, if you are to survive infidelity, it is essential that you take responsibility for what you did. Otherwise, your partner will never truly believe you when you tell him or her that you will never do this again. Think about it, if you blame your partner, or anyone else, or any circumstance for your philandering, how can you promise your partner it will never happen again? If you assert that what happened is beyond your control, then your partner will forever feel insecure, because what you are saying, in essence, is that you cannot control whether you cheat or not — meaning you may do it again in the future.
This thought will devastate your partner and make recovery impossible.
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It is true that your relationship may have been far from perfect, but this is not the time to focus on those problems, and they cannot be legitimately used to justify your harmful behavior. It was your choice, and no one else's, to respond to the relationship difficulties by getting involved with a person outside of your marriage or committed relationship. You and your partner can discuss and fix other problems in your relationship after you are well on the road to relationship recovery.
Once the initial infidelity discovery devastation has died down, you can try to offer explanations to your partner regarding how you came to cheat, but not excuses for your affair. Since part of committing infidelity was the need to lie to conceal what you were doing, do not be surprised if your partner does not believe you when you try to discuss details regarding what happened, or profess your guilt, or express remorse, or offer assurance that it will never happen again. Think of 'not being believed' as part of the damage you have created, that your partner can no longer trust nor believe you.
It will take a long time and much hard relationship work before your partner will be able to believe and trust you once again. As the one who cheated, your primary task is to restore trust with your betrayed partner.
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This is not an overnight process. But if you do the right things consistently over an extended period of time, eventually trust and love will be restored. If you are a family member or close friend of the couple, you may be wondering, "Is there anything I can do to help them through this difficult period? The answer is that you need to let the couple who is struggling to survive infidelity lead the way.
If you really want to help, ask the injured couple what you can do, and do it. Even though you may feel upset by what has occurred, stay respectful and calm. Don't bombard the injured couple with opinions, demands, or judgments. Remember, if the injured parties reconcile, you will want to have a good relationship with both of them.
Don't destroy your relationship with injured couple — because you may not be able to fix it, and this can cause an 'everlasting problem' if they are family members. Fixing your damaged relationship can be an arduous task that requires patience and strict adherence to proven guidelines that are sometimes difficult to follow. Even if it is difficult to overcome the injuries caused by infidelity, you should do the work necessary to repair and preserve your most valued investment — your marriage or committed relationship.
Think of it this way; you wouldn't cut off a broken leg to avoid appointments with an orthopedic surgeon, a cast, crutches, or physical therapy sessions. In the same way, don't throw away your family because of infidelity. Rather, do the work necessary to fix it the relationship. Whether you are the offending or injured party, you need to take an active role to fix the damage infidelity has caused to get a successful recovery. A divorce, in and of itself, is a tragedy where typically everybody is hurt, and the solutions hoped for when divorcing are for most couples not actualized.
If you are like most individuals in a committed relationship, you have invested time, effort, and the best of your life in your family. If there is any way possible to reconcile, it should be carefully considered and when reasonable, acted on.
Try to stay together. Eventually the 'infidelity craziness' will pass. Staying together as a family is especially important if you have dependent children. Children are typically hurt by divorce. Losing the daily love and care from one parent is a great loss that cannot be replaced even by the introduction of a 'new' person into their lives.
Protecting your children, even under the dark cloud of infidelity, is a noble parenting act. Of course, this does not mean sweeping the infidelity or past problems in the relationship under the rug. Rather, in a proper way, all of this needs to be addressed and resolved. You cannot just stay together for the sake of the children when emotional blood is hemorrhaging. In such situations, even your children will suffer!
However, you can fix the problems and preserve your family. This would be the best for all and should be your first choice. If you are the partner who has been betrayed, you will be asking at some point, "How can I ever forgive my cheating partner? Forgiveness is defined as a release of justified anger. When the injured person forgives, his or her hostility toward the offender ceases and is replaced with a desire to solve the relationship problems. The first move toward forgiveness must be taken by the offender who betrayed.
He or she must prove his or her remorse and take the positive actions necessary to help heal the injuries created by his or her betrayal. The injured partner must feel that the perpetrator of his or her pain feels genuine remorse and has no intention of offending again.
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Then, and only then, is it possible to start thinking about forgiveness. Forgiveness can take time, and the offending partner needs to be patient and humble, focusing primarily on his or her behavior as a means of contributing to the healing of the injured partner. At some point in the infidelity recovery process, when the partner who cheated senses it is the right time, he or she can request forgiveness.
It may or may not be granted.